WRESTLING 101: The ‘Rant’ Column

img_5254The great thing about today’s wrestling environment is the incredible ease of access in finding terrific stuff to watch. 

New Japan is on Ring of Honor…and vice versa. Fite TV is stacked with WWN offerings. The WWE Network features oodles of classic content. TNA Impact and Lucha Underground are must-see’s each week.  

But some things are remiss in all of this, and I can be silent no longer. A quarter century of rants is upon us.

<BEGIN RANT>

  1. Female talent: stop wearing goddamn wigs 3 feet long with neon colored hair. It looks stupid, is clearly uncomfortable, and resembles poor high school plays.
  2. Indy shows: start on time. I’m old; staying till midnight is hard enough. Staying until 1a is harder when you’re an hour late.
  3. Ticket holders: for chrissakes, sit in the damn seat you paid for…and get the heck out of my line of sight. Only at wrestling events do fans seat hop 5x an hour.
  4. Announcers: stop PUN-ching lines with EVE-ry move. I’d throw pennies at your larynx if I could. Ditto canned phrases to single commercial breaks. We’re not stupid.
  5. Production: it’s a steel cage. Figure out how to film inside of it. After nearly three decades, crack that nut. Ever heard of drones and/or cameras on wires? Technology!
  6. Promotions: hand slaps need to go. Junk shots, chair shots, are good. A standard jab a no-no? Enough already. You look like scared T-Rex’s fighting over your wo/man.
  7. Writers: roll-ups are meant for fruit. Stop ending 1/3 of matches with them. Even more so with enormously large dudes, meaning plumber’s crack. EVERY TIME.
  8. Twitter-azzi: why endlessly tag folks on the weirdest of things…but don’t indicate why the heck you’re doing it? Yes, you’ve got training this AM; am I invited?!
  9. Audio: when a wrestler runs down a ramp to disrupt a match, why the theme music? That’s like a second lion having a Def Leppard intro when chasing a gazelle.
  10. Interviewers: you look constipated. Try doing something after asking a question other than staring into space, looking scared-slash-confused.
  11. Wardrobe: trunks too small, military vests, boob malfunctions, shirts cut to look like bibs. Get your act together, people. It’s confused Frederick’s of Hollywood out there.
  12. Television: I hate you ‘tiny window.’ You know, the one showing the live action while the replay is oddly in the big one. Yes, the reverse, please.
  13. Advertising: candy bars, energy drinks, super hero movies, and workout clothes. Four things most fans watching wrestling do not associate wrestling with, Trebek.
  14. Guest Commentators: wake the f up. Speaking in monotone while watching the match is not interesting. There’s 3 other people there already. Make a joke.
  15. Bookers: the same main event matchups three times in a row…and no one cares anymore. Let alone talent unable to bring out something new.
  16. Crowds: the ‘Full Sail crowd’ type sucks. Endless attention seeking and stupid songs ruin every live show we attend. Even more than creepy, front row regulars/plants.
  17. Guest Referees: don’t officiate, dummy; we have real refs for that. Be part of the in-ring action, in additive fashion. Stay in character: that’s why you’re there.
  18. Merchandise: Gildan is the devil. Their shirts shrink faster than Raw ratings, and range in size as much as the Toyota line of cars. A Rav4 is not a Tacoma.
  19. Renegade Blogs/Podcasters: this is not real. Stop stalking the women and/or believing anyone cares about your ideal plotline alternatives. You’re insane.
  20. Schedulers: cease cramming around a single WWE PPV. We want to see your shows, but not 20 in three days. Nor can we afford that or the hotel. Think outside the box.
  21. Hygiene: deodorant: it’s your friend. Use it, know it, love it. Ditto laundry detergent, something other than Axe spray, and please wipe better. It’s a cornocupia of horror.
  22. Venues: water fountains/free water and clean restrooms. Got it? The alternative are drunk and sloppy fans who can’t sober up or wash their hands properly.
  23. Female fans: bring a friend to events. Conversely, stop pretending to be Cinderella at the Sausage Fest Ball. You’re only feeding into point 19. And it’s weird both ways. T
  24. Barbers: short crop heads of talent going bald, and forbid Niagara Falls from being splashed on long hair. No one on the planet finds either appealing.
  25. Cut-in-segments: contract signings, ‘interview shows,’ and other mid-show bridges are too long and too pointless. Shorten, edit, and air.

<END RANT>

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